Seigaku Pickup Lines that are Doomed to Fail
by Here's Your Cheese Omelette
Summary: Let's just say, that when a certain genius grabs hold of a list of lame pick-up lines, Seigaku is in for one heck of a day... :


**A/n:** Hey! This is a stupid fanfic created by words that plagued me day and night until I agreed to make it a fic. Oh, the title is from a cartoon strip in devART entitled 'Naruto pick up lines that are doomed to fail', some lines are taken from a fic in ff, others are researched, others were being shared in my class.

Some jokes are funnier if you're Filipino, but try to feel the corniness all the same.

Little note: I made this for my Sophomore friends, who felt that I have waaaay too little TeFu in my archive. Enjoy. Ily!

**Warning**: STUPIDITY and MAJOR CORNINESS. A lame attempt.

**Disclaimer**: Nay. This doth not belong to me. Tis a sad truth, is it not?

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**Seigaku Pick up Lines that are Doomed to Fail**

**By**

**Here's Your Cheese Omelette**

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It was a normal day at Seigaku, and such normality was a sure sign that trouble was on its way; for everyone knows that it's calmest before the storm.

Fuji was feeling bored that day. It had started normally enough. He woke up, greeted his family as well as his cactus a good morning, ate breakfast, got dressed, and went to check his email, before leaving for school. While he browsed his new mail, he found an email from his friend in the Philippines. This friend was always sending him the funniest, weirdest or most perverted things; and of course he loved each and every one of them. This time, it seemed he was sent a list of pick-up lines.

Fuji's brilliant mind then thought of something. It was a brilliant plan that was sure to make his day interesting. Quickly memorizing as many lines as he could, he went downstairs to test his plan.

"Morning, aniki." Yuuta said from the table. Usually, Yuuta left for school early, but his baby brother woke up late today and ate his breakfast only then. It was alright with Fuji, though, seeing as this was the perfect opportunity to have a test run.

"Yuuta…" Fuji began, trying to conceal his laughter. "Do you have a band-aid?"

"Are you hurt, aniki?" Yuuta asked as he stood up from the table. "There are some in my bedroom. I'll get one."

"That would be perfect, Yuuta." Fuji answered, "'coz I think I scraped my knee falling for you."

Yuuta froze. With a horrified look on his face, he slowly turned to look at Fuji. Yuuta stared at his brother, who was smiling innocently at him. He continued to stare, and stare, and stare, until he finally managed to blurt out, "WHAT THE HELL, ANIKI?!!"

Fuji merely widened his eyes in realization and announced "Well, I better get going. Can't be late for school. Bye, Yuuta!" before heading out the door, leaving his confused and dumbstruck baby brother to try and understand what just happened.

Once he was a little bit far from his house, Fuji smiled at himself. "Well, that went well. I can't wait to see how the Seigaku regulars will react."

--

Fuji had been itching for practice to start. Sure, he could've said the lines during the day, but that wouldn't be as fun; and he was sure Eiji would spread what he was planning before he could have any real fun.

Now, Fuji came in early to prey on unsuspecting regulars. So far, the only ones present were Kaido, Ryoma and Kawamura. With a pick up line in mind, he made his way to Kaido, who was doing warm ups.

"Kaido-kun," Fuji said. The underclassman greeted him with a bow before continuing his stretches. "Do you clean your shorts with Windex, Kaido-kun?"

"Uh…no, Fuji-sempai." Kaido answered, bringing himself up from touching his touch toes. "Why?"

"'Coz I can practically see myself in them."

Kaido opened his eyes in shock and fell forward, his face red with embarrassment. He stared at his smiling sempai from his position on the ground, his mouth opening and closing like a fish's.

"Well, goodbye, Kaido. I'll go talk to Ryoma now," Fuji said simply, walking over to the youngest regular.

Kaido stood up after he had come back to his senses and resumed his warm up. If one was close enough, they would've heard the bandana wearing man muttering to himself how Fuji-sempai was just messing with his mind. Nevertheless, the second year stayed away from Fuji for the rest of the day.

--

Ryoma Echizen was quietly sitting on a bench, minding his own business, when Fuji walked up to him with a very satisfied look on his face.

"Hi, Ryoma," Fuji said. "Can I sit next to you?"

Eyeing the empty space next to him, he nodded, allowing Fuji to sit. "You didn't have to ask though, Fuji-sempai. You could've just sat down."

"Ryoma…" Fuji said. Ryoma was surprised at the seriousness in his upperclassman's tone, and was even more surprised to face Fuji and see a serious expression plastered on him too. "Will you touch me?"

Ryoma furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he asked, "Why?"

"So I can tell all my friends I was touched by an angel."

Fuji almost let out a chuckle as he saw Ryoma's face visibly fall. He knew these lines were corny, but he was sure it was a whole new level of lameness if you were on the receiving end of them. He excused himself from his underclassman, but received no response, as Ryoma's face was still stuck on you-gotta-be-kidding-me mode.

As he was about to make his way to Kawamura, several more regulars arrived. Deciding to allow Kawamura to keep his sweet innocence, he walked over to his red-headed best friend, Eiji, and said red head's boyfriend, Oishi.

"Hey guys!" Fuji called out. "Do you want to touch my bird?"

Oishi's eyes widened at the implication, and debated on shooing away his more innocent lover to preserve the innocence. Eiji, on the other hand, looked confused and wondered, "Did you get a pet, Fujiko?"

"No, I didn't." Fuji said. "You know what I'm talking about right? You know, my bird. (**1**)" he answered, touching his chin and stroking it.

Eiji scrunched up his face and let out a loud groan. "Fujiko! That was sooo lame! Where'd you get that?!"

Smiling at his best friend, he answered, "From an online friend. Don't tell the others, okay, Eiji. I'm kinda playing a trick on everyone. I want to see their reactions when I tell them different pick up lines."

"Haha," Eiji laughed. "Okay, I promise; but you have to tell me what happens later, okay?!"

"Sure," Fuji replied. The brunette then turned to stare at their vice-captain, who was kneeling on the floor with a clenched fist, and an irritated expression. Fuji crouched down next to him, and heard Oishi mutter, "I am a pervert."

Shrugging it off, he went to scout for his next victim, and his eyes landed on Tezuka.

--

"Good afternoon, Tezuka." Fuji said. Tezuka gave him a cautious glance as he sounded all too happy.

"What are you up to, Fuji? Every time you approach a regular, you leave them looking disturbed."

"Not everyone," Fuji defended. "Eiji laughed a lot."

"What are you planning, Fuji?"

"Hey, Tezuka," Fuji said, bringing out a 50 cent coin. "If I toss this coin, what are the chances of me getting head? (**2**)"

Smirking, Tezuka looked at Fuji with a completely predatory expression. "Pretty good, if you keep asking questions like that."

Fuji felt his jaw drop as the coin fell to the floor. Blushing deeply, he watched his captain walk away with a smug expression on his face. "Well, at least now I know what you've been up to."

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**A/n**: Done! I know, it's completely OC, and because of how I said it, it totally became unfunny. I'm sorry!

Oh! Bonus line:

"Are you a keyboard? 'Coz you're my type."

I wanted to use this, but I didn't know where to put it.

**(1)**- Filipinos who understand how words are mispronounced in our country will get this. When Fuji said bird, he meant beard.

**(2)**- Is this understandable? Okay, to those who don't get it, it's okay. I wasn't able to get it either until my friend explained it to me.

Right, there are 2 sides of a coin: tail and head?

Head can mean that, and it can also mean something else:

Head, or giving head, means a blowjob. Enough said.


End file.
